If what I wished for were reality.. I wouldn’t have to wish anymore, would I? Then, well.. what would wishes be for then?

I’m afraid.. I wish I didn’t even have to think.. Can’t help that though.. Them masses in my brain do as they please most of the time..

I know I get mad.. And I know what I get mad at.. As much as I don’t wanna think.. I do..

I hate it when u talk and don’t follow through.. When u just say things.. And I can’t help but take what u say, as, well.. I would believe u.. And, most of the time.. it ends up to be just pure talk.. I wait.. I wish u would do what u said u would.. I would like u too..

My brain tells me one thing.. my heart tells me another.. I can’t help but struggle.. I bite back the words that spring to the tip of my tongue whenever u start to say things.. Cos, experience tells me something, but, another part of me wants so much to believe u.. hopes against all hopes that u would..

I get sarcastic for a reason.. it’s not that I want to be.. but, it becomes a reaction.. of lashing out from my own disappointments.. I am skeptical not because I want to be.. but because experience has been such.. I try to keep it in.. I try very hard to be ok.. And I wish I could be..

I don’t know.. I wish I didn’t get mad.. I wish I didn’t “expect” so much.. Maybe it’s just me u know, at the end of it.. Maybe it’s just me..

I don’t have a solution..
At this point of time.. I don’t want one.. I’d just like for things to be somewhat normal.. that’s all..

Missing u, makes my heart ache.. Having u “ignore” me hurts me more than u know..
I wish..
Many things..

For what I’ve lost, I grieve..
For what I’ve gained, I’ll hold dear..

It’s been a sober kinda day.. Thoughts have been going in and out of my mind like swarms of bees through a hive.. Some called for, most unbidden..

I wish for many things.. the thought of which makes tears well up.. Many things weigh heavily on my heart..
I wish for a relief.. Maybe I’ve forgotten how.. Maybe I don’t want to enough.. Maybe I’ve lost it..

Above all else.. I don’t know..

Cry of my heart: I need u Jesus..

More than the air I breathe
More than this song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything..

Right here.. right now..

And as u enter each phase, u learn the ropes, sometimes it’s a struggle, sometimes, it comes just real easy.. but u adjust, u learn, u adapt.. and how u do all that, shapes the course of this next phase of ur life..

Learning the ropes is not easy.. Hasn’t been easy.. Coping was basically all I could do, decisions were even harder to make, not knowing how to form priorities at this stage in life.. some things slipped, some things which i deemed important for survival or success took main stage..

I did good in some, and not so good in some, and sometimes, just downright failures.. And as time goes by, I learnt.. how to look at things in the bigger picture, how to step back, how to push, how to cope.. And in learning, figure out my priorities in life.. Different things have taken different rungs in the ladder.. Re-arrangement..

It may not be perfect, and I’m quite sure it isn’t, but as far as I can see or think through.. It’s the best I can do now.. I do not wish for a brighter star to be on.. I am far from perfect, and I will make wrong decisions and mess up.. But, a certain assurance is the ground on which I walk on.. I learn.. I learn all the time.. I never wanna stop..

I can’t change the things that have happened, but I can shape what tomorrow brings.. I am content to be where I am.. I know this is where I’m supposed to be at this moment in my life.. I have peace..

Thank u God..

To ACT JUSTLY..
To LOVE MERCY..
To WALK HUMBLY with your God..

These 3 things embody the Christian life that I try to live.. It’s really not easy.. Not when u think that, in the middle of ur 26th year of living, u’ve been there, done that.. It’s easy to detach urself from all of it.. So easy slip out of it if u’re not careful.. So easy to take the “easier” route, saves time, saves energy, etc.. So easy to look the other way, saves u the heartache of not doing something, gives u the excuse that u didn’t realise.. So easy for pride to slip in, for u to think u’re better than somebody else..

Gotta be on guard.. be on them toes, ready for anything.. Do not be idle.. Do something.. Verb-ify ur life.. Stand firm and strong..

Oh dear God.. more than anything, I acknowledge U as God.. Lord of my life, have Ur way in me.. I want to do Ur will.. My will, Yours.. My hands, Yours.. My lips, Yours.. My feet, Yours.. My life, Yours..

Cleanse my heart and my hands
To become the image of the Lamb..