Foolish Pride..

I miss u more than u know..

If what I wished for were reality.. I wouldn’t have to wish anymore, would I? Then, well.. what would wishes be for then?

I’m afraid.. I wish I didn’t even have to think.. Can’t help that though.. Them masses in my brain do as they please most of the time..

I know I get mad.. And I know what I get mad at.. As much as I don’t wanna think.. I do..

I hate it when u talk and don’t follow through.. When u just say things.. And I can’t help but take what u say, as, well.. I would believe u.. And, most of the time.. it ends up to be just pure talk.. I wait.. I wish u would do what u said u would.. I would like u too..

My brain tells me one thing.. my heart tells me another.. I can’t help but struggle.. I bite back the words that spring to the tip of my tongue whenever u start to say things.. Cos, experience tells me something, but, another part of me wants so much to believe u.. hopes against all hopes that u would..

I get sarcastic for a reason.. it’s not that I want to be.. but, it becomes a reaction.. of lashing out from my own disappointments.. I am skeptical not because I want to be.. but because experience has been such.. I try to keep it in.. I try very hard to be ok.. And I wish I could be..

I don’t know.. I wish I didn’t get mad.. I wish I didn’t “expect” so much.. Maybe it’s just me u know, at the end of it.. Maybe it’s just me..

I don’t have a solution..
At this point of time.. I don’t want one.. I’d just like for things to be somewhat normal.. that’s all..

Missing u, makes my heart ache.. Having u “ignore” me hurts me more than u know..
I wish..
Many things..

It’s almost 1.30 in the morning.. The rain just started and got heavy almost immediately.. I haven’t written in awhile.. It’s been a crazy year.. I’ve lost much, yet I’ve gained much too..

For what I’ve lost, I grieve..
For what I’ve gained, I’ll hold dear..

It’s been a sober kinda day.. Thoughts have been going in and out of my mind like swarms of bees through a hive.. Some called for, most unbidden..

I wish for many things.. the thought of which makes tears well up.. Many things weigh heavily on my heart..
I wish for a relief.. Maybe I’ve forgotten how.. Maybe I don’t want to enough.. Maybe I’ve lost it..

Above all else.. I don’t know..

Cry of my heart: I need u Jesus..

More than the air I breathe
More than this song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything..

Right here.. right now..

The cold seems neverending.. The darkness seems infinite..
Where I’m at now, loneliness clenches its grip on my heart..
What am I looking for? What do I want?
I push all these out of sight most of the time, but, at moments like these..
When I’m too weak to fend them off..
I know that I’m alone..
Walking through all these, seemingly alone..
Yes, there’s Jesus, whom I love..
But maybe my faith just isn’t strong enough at times like these..
My heart aches with the immensity of years of loneliness..
Of brokenness from all the different sources of love that I’ve tried to find a solution in..
Each ending, pointing me to the cross..
Tonight Lord, lead me to the it once again..
Or, provide me a friend..
I am needy, I’m sorry.. but, wounds and dealing with root causes take time..
I wish I were perfect, but I know that won’t happen till thy kingdom comes..
Tonight, just let me know u’re here, remove the weights off my heart..
I long for the joy that only u can give.. it’s complete.. I know that nothing else can..
Help me believe that..

As u get along in life, different seasons come along, different phases of life we go through.. Each one different.. with different demands.. U grow up, u make decisions that bring u into ur next phase..

And as u enter each phase, u learn the ropes, sometimes it’s a struggle, sometimes, it comes just real easy.. but u adjust, u learn, u adapt.. and how u do all that, shapes the course of this next phase of ur life..

Learning the ropes is not easy.. Hasn’t been easy.. Coping was basically all I could do, decisions were even harder to make, not knowing how to form priorities at this stage in life.. some things slipped, some things which i deemed important for survival or success took main stage..

I did good in some, and not so good in some, and sometimes, just downright failures.. And as time goes by, I learnt.. how to look at things in the bigger picture, how to step back, how to push, how to cope.. And in learning, figure out my priorities in life.. Different things have taken different rungs in the ladder.. Re-arrangement..

It may not be perfect, and I’m quite sure it isn’t, but as far as I can see or think through.. It’s the best I can do now.. I do not wish for a brighter star to be on.. I am far from perfect, and I will make wrong decisions and mess up.. But, a certain assurance is the ground on which I walk on.. I learn.. I learn all the time.. I never wanna stop..

I can’t change the things that have happened, but I can shape what tomorrow brings.. I am content to be where I am.. I know this is where I’m supposed to be at this moment in my life.. I have peace..

Thank u God..